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My whole being was involved in this kiss. There was no turning back, no reason to either. I wanted this so much, we both did and we both knew it too. When you broke the kiss, I was back in the kitchen, we both looked at each other and I could almost see a blush start on your cheeks, I knew I was blushing. Without a word you took my hand and that platter of goodies. You placed the platter on the dinning room table and lead me off down the hall towards the home office. My emotions were running rampant now, my body was like jelly. When you turned to shut the door, I didn’t know what to think. Your hand still holding mine, your other caressing my face, I had no fear, but I had no thoughts either. ‘Cate, I think we both know now. I want you, in so many ways, I want you.’ You said without hesitation or doubt. ‘I, umm, yes, I think, umm.’ Was all I could manage. ‘Just say it Cate, just say it!’ Not loudly, but softly, with encouragement. ‘I know too. I want you too. From the moment I met. There were few cars, maybe ten or twelve in all, because most everyone else had had to return to work. The day was gray and overcast, befitting the occasion.If you asked me today what I did or what I said between the night Charli died and the day of the funeral, I couldn't tell you. I was emotionless, a blank, an automaton that did as she was told. Lisbeth told me I spent a lot of time sitting and staring at the walls.The graveside service was mercifully brief, then we drove to Charli's parents' house to eat. I think it is a strange custom to gather for food and drink after someone dies; others believe it to be a time for remembrance of the dead and fellowship. I stayed close to Mom and Lisbeth, my anchors to sanity in an insane world.All during the drive to Fargo, I asked myself just what deity I had pissed off to warrant such intimate hurt. First my father and then Charli, two of the people I loved the most. What had I done? What injury had I caused, and to whom? I was — and am —.
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